


Different Can Be Beautiful

by Deviant_Donghun



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ADHD Roman, Gen, Stimming, adhd person writes adhd character, adhd remus, suppressed stimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24555307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deviant_Donghun/pseuds/Deviant_Donghun
Summary: As I seem to have completely forgotten how ADHD functions (Despite having it myself) the symptoms described in this work are a combination of my own experiences (and hatred for green beans) and reliable sources online.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82





	Different Can Be Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LizLuvsCupcakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizLuvsCupcakes/gifts).



> As I seem to have completely forgotten how ADHD functions (Despite having it myself) the symptoms described in this work are a combination of my own experiences (and hatred for green beans) and reliable sources online.

Remus sat on the couch, trying to focus on the movie Roman had picked. It was an interesting one, he was just restless. He didn’t fiddle with his hands. He didn’t bite his nails. He didn’t wiggle, bounce, flap his hands, or crawl down to the floor and color. He sat there and tried to focus on the activity everyone else was so engaged in. He didn’t know why it was so hard to sit still for long periods of time, it just was.

He looked over at his twin. Roman had no difficulty sitting this long. He didn’t need to have his hands busy or constantly look at something else. He was always good. Remus just didn’t get it. Why did Roman get to be able to be normal while Remus got called weird and creepy. Nobody wanted to be friends with him but everyone wanted to be friends with Roman. It wasn’t fair.

He shook his head slightly, turning his attention back to the movie. Why did his thoughts have to wander off like that? He tried to focus on the television. Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus. Soon, he was focusing on the act of focusing so much that he didn’t notice when their dad, Patton, walked into the room. He only noticed when Roman shook his shoulder, jerking him out of the thought to focus.

“Remus, dinner.” Roman said as he moved into the dining room.

Remus nodded, getting up to go wash his hands first. He noticed the way the light glinted off the mirror and stared at it until Patton came into the bathroom. “Remus, turn off the water. Your food is getting cold.”

Remus looked down to see the water still running. “Sorry, Dad.”

Patton sighed. “It’s alright, kiddo. Let’s just go eat.”

When he got to the table, he noticed it was a baked potato bar with green beans. He groaned. He  _ really _ hated green beans. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was the way they sounded like rubber while being chewed, maybe it was the slimy feeling of them in his mouth, maybe it was the taste that he couldn’t stand, maybe it was how they were the color of puke. Normally, he found puke funny or interesting, but food should not be puke colored.

He slid into his seat, and, when the other two weren’t looking, tried to slide his green beans onto Roman’s plate. He loved green beans, let him have them. Roman noticed what he was doing before he could get any on the plate. “Remus, eat your own food. I’m not eating it for you.”

Patton looked over at them. “Remus, could we not, tonight?”

Remus sullenly choked down the slimy rubber tubes of death, hating every second of it. He didn’t see why Roman got to get out of eating things he didn’t like, like mushrooms, but Remus had to eat the things  _ he _ didn’t like.

They went to bed that night, Remus avoiding the itchy set of nightclothes that made him want to scratch his skin off. The next morning, they were off to school. As Patton dropped them off, he called to Roman out the window. “Roman, don’t forget that you have an appointment with Dr. Picani after school.”

Roman held up a hand in acknowledgement as they walked into the building. Remus made a beeline for his locker, meeting up with his best friend, Virgil. They high-fived as they opened their adjacent lockers.

“Anything you wanna talk about?” Virgil asked as he always did at the beginning of the week.

Remus stopped himself from bouncing on his toes in joy at being asked. “Did you know that goats have rectangular pupils?” He proceeded to ramble about the interesting bits of goats for the next few minutes as they walked to their first class together.

During the class, history, Remus tried to pay attention, even took notes. It didn’t matter that it was only middle school and the lecture probably had nothing to do with the reading for the day, he needed his hands busy. He felt better after being able to keep his hands and eyes busy while keeping his ears busy at the same time.

On their way to the next class, Virgil rambled about aliens and spaceships and Remus tried to listen but found his thoughts wandering yet again. He tried to compensate for it by asking questions that summed up whe general idea of what he was saying. 

In math class, Remus wanted to sink through the floor and die. His teacher gave him a sharp look over his glasses. “Remus, I assume this paper is yours. It’s the only one without a name. It also has many problems half finished or not even started. I expected better from you.”

Remus nodded meekly as he took the page from him. “Sorry, Mr. Crofters. I’ll do better, I promise.”

Logan smiled at him, pushing his glasses back in place. “I’m counting on it, Remus.”

Remus sat at his desk and really tried to focus on the next worksheet. He made sure to put his name on it, rewriting it multiple times when it wasn’t legible or just looked wrong. He started the worksheet, not letting himself move on to the next question until the one he was on was done. Before he knew it, the class period was over. Looking down at his page, only half of the front was done. He slipped the paper into his bag, determined to work on it after school.

Remus’ English class was the worst. He forgot whole words and forgot to put in some letters in words in his last essay, making it less than satisfactory. In science, he didn’t understand the instructions from the teacher and none of his classmates would explain it to him. He wanted to cry but he didn’t, knowing he would be labeled a baby and that Roman would yell at him later for messing up his reputation. 

Remus wanted to bounce, to rub his arms, to bite his nails. He didn’t do any of those things, trying to be as still and attentive as possible. He tried to remember the good listening rules he learned in kindergarten. Ears listening, eyes focused on the speaker, hands in your lap, no wandering thoughts, no speaking over the speaker, and no moving his legs. This meant that he couldn’t swing his legs like he wanted to, couldn’t rub his hands on his arms like they itched to, couldn’t do a million other little things. 

Instead, he sat there and ruthlessly pulled his thoughts away from the bunny trails, focusing them on the teacher. By the end of science, he was frustrated. He had no idea what was going on no matter how hard he focused on the instructions, no one was willing to repeat the instructions to him, and the teacher was not having it today. 

By the time lunch rolled around, he was exhausted. He met back up with Virgil, leaning his head on his only friend’s shoulder as they sat at their table. Virgil looked around. “Where’s Roman? Doesn’t he usually at least walk in with you?’

Remus groaned. “Ro’s probably eating with the theater kids..” He sat up, pushing his food around. Virgil nudged him. “How was science?”

Remus groaned and went into another tirade over how stupid the subject was, even though it was usually his favorite, and how mean everyone else in the class is, shoveling bites of food into his mouth when Virgil paused him to ask a question.

Eventually, lunch was over and it was time for art. This was his second favorite subject as he got to play with a bunch of different colored things and let his creativity out. Today, it was painting. He wanted to use his fingers but got scolded the last time he did that so didn’t. Instead, he went for an abstract that represented his mood. It was a turbulent green with reds and purples and some shades of blue thrown in there. He called it ‘Frustration’. His teacher loved it.

While on the high of having done one thing right all day, he went to study hall, where he focused as hard as he could on the math page, determined to finish it before he left. While in study hall, someone was playing music that the teacher was making no effort to stop. Remus groaned as he couldn’t focus due to the noise. 

Suddenly, all the lights were too bright and he could hear them buzzing as if they were flies that were in his ear. The music was too loud. His palms felt like they were on fire, causing him to drop his pencil and move his hands, palm up, into his lap. He felt like crying as everything was suddenly too much to deal with at one. Raising his hand, he asked to go to the bathroom, trying not to sound like he was begging.

The teacher gave him a hall pass and told him to be quick. Almost running to the bathroom, he sat in one of the stalls with his eyes closed, just trying to get everything to go back to the way they were. He knew there was a limited amount of time that he was allowed to be in there but couldn’t remember how long it was. After a while of sitting there, he ran his hands under the faucet, turning the water as hot as he could. It helped just a bit. 

He felt calmer after that and went back to the classroom, focusing so hard on his math he didn’t notice the bell had rung until the teacher came over and told him to leave. He packed his bags, palms still feeling like they were on fire every time something touched them. At least he had managed to get the math sheet done. He would ask his dad to check it later.

As he made his way out, he hugged Virgil goodbye, not knowing if his hands could survive a high five. He slid into the back seat of Patton’s car while Roman hopped into the passenger seat. Patton adjusted the mirror to look at Remus, noticing the pain in his eyes and the way he held his hands at his sides. “Remus, are you doing okay?” His voice was laced with concern but it was too loud and too sudden, causing the preteen to jump.

“Yeah, Dad. I’m fine.” He didn’t see Roman struggling not to cry, didn’t see him cradling burning skin, didn’t see him being anything but his normal self as he regaled Patton with tales of his day.

The drive was silent on Remus’ end as he tried to get a grip on himself, telling himself he needed to follow Roman’s example and be normal. Roman was giddy as he talked about his day, waving his hands animatedly as he talked and bouncing in his seat a little. Before Remus knew it, the car stopped moving as Patton turned the engines off.

“Remus. Remus!” Remus looked up to see his dad’s face turned to look at him. Looking out the window, he saw the doctor’s office instead of the house. Right. Roman’s appointment for something or the other. “You have to get out, Remus. It’s going to be too long to leave you in the car.”

Remus nodded, hopping out to join his brother on the pavement. The trio walked into the building, Remus immediately going to sit in the waiting room and pulling out a book he was supposed to be reading for English. Roman and Patton went up to the front desk, signing in and almost immediately being told that Dr. Picani would be with them shortly. They went to sit on either side of Remus as he tried to concentrate on the book. Honestly, it was really interesting and he had been waiting all semester to read it. But right now, he was exhausted after the day he’d had and the office had too many distracting things.

After a few minutes, the door leading to the back room opened and a pink-haired man in a tan sweater with a white button up shirt and blue tie underneath walked out. He took one look at the almost empty waiting room and smiled. “You should be my last clients of the day. Come on back.”

Patton and the twins stood and followed him back to a toy filled room. Remus looked around a bit before sitting in the corner of the couch, tring to make himself as small as possible with his hands in his lap, still burning.

The pink-haired man sat in the chair opposite the couch as Patton sat between the boys. “So, who am I seeing today?” His eyes were trained on Remus.

Patton patted Roman’s knee. “This one. He’s needing a refill of his ADHD medication.”

The man, Dr. Picani, nodded. “I see, and what does he take?”

“Uh, Adderall.”

The doctor took a note. “I see. Is the other boy here for anything?”

Patton shook his head. ‘Nope, he’s fit as a fiddle.”

The man frowned. “May I speak with you outside for a minute?”

Patton nodded and followed them out. Remus was tempted to swing his legs but noticed that Roman wasn’t and was determined to be better behaved than he was.

The adults talked for a while outside. Remus pulled the book back out and tried to concentrate on it but kept getting distracted by all the toys and figurines in the room. Eventually, they came back in and the man sat back down, looking at Remus. 

“Remus, was it?” He asked, his voice kind. 

Remus nodded. “Yes, sir.” He knew adults liked it when they got a verbal response. 

The man smiled. “My name is Emile Picani. Would you mind coming with me for a bit? I just want you to take a test.”

Remus looked at his dad, who nodded and smiled encouragingly. Roman put a hand toward Remus. “Do you want me to hold your book?”

Remus nodded and handed it over before standing to follow the doctor. The man led him down the hall to a quiet room. He sat him down at a desk and started up the computer in front of it. He clicked through some files, getting to one that read, ‘ADHD test’.

“Okay, Remus, I want you to take this test. There is no rush, feel free to take as long as you need to. I’ll be in the chair over there,” he pointed to a seat across the room, “let me know if you don’t understand anything or need any help, okay?”

Remus nodded. He filled in the slots that asked for his age and gender. He got to one that asked if he was ‘newly diagnosed’ he didn’t know what that meant so hit ‘yes’. He answered as many questions as he could on a scale of ‘never’ to ‘often’. He tried to give an honest answer but some of the questions he had to think about as many of the situations described he was able to hold himself back from doing the activity. He answered honestly, for the situations where he even wanted to do it, he answered as if he did it. 

When he was finished, the screen said to wait while it was loading. He looked over at Dr. Picani, who seemed to be watching him as he took the test. The doctor stood, coming to stand behind Remus’ chair to wait for the results. Remus didn’t know what to make of the numbers and big words in front of him but the doctor sure did as he made a noise.

Remus looked up at him. “Is that good or bad?”

He smiled down at the boy. “That depends on what you define as good or bad. Is it good that these results are positive? Maybe. Is it good that we are now aware of this and capable of helping you with this? Yes.” He held out a hand. “How about we get back to the family while we talk, okay?’

Remus nodded but stared at the hand. He looked down at his own palms. They seemed to have cooled down while he took the test as they didn’t feel like they were on fire anymore. He reached up and took the hand, sliding out of the chair to follow Dr. Picani down the hall. They got back to the room with Patton and Roman in it and Remus went to sit on the couch.

“Mr. Sanders, it appears my suspicions were correct. Remus also has ADHD, just as Roman does.” Dr. Picani said.

Patton put an arm around Remus. “How is that possible? He’s nothing like how Roman was when he was first diagnosed? He’s always been so quiet and calm.”

The doctor nodded. “It seems that your son may have been hiding his symptoms.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I can’t say. You’ll have to ask him later. For now, how about we discuss getting him a starting dose of Adderall, the same as Roman’s.”

The adults talked as Remus looked at his brother. He didn’t know if the medication they were discussing was what helped Roman stay so calm, but he wasn’t sure he wanted it. What if it made him boring and dull? Worse, what if it changed him to the point that Virgil didn’t want to be friends with him anymore? 

“Remus?” He tuned back in to hear the doctor call his name.

“Yes, sir?”

“I just wanted to explain what is going on with you and what the medicine is going to help with. You have something called ADHD. This stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. A fancy way of saying that you have a hard time concentrating on one thing sometimes or can’t stop concentrating on the thing other times. This also means that you have a hard time sitting still when you want to move around. From what your father has told me, you’ve done an amazing job managing to sit still, but you shouldn’t have to do that anymore. You won’t have to force yourself to be still and quiet or force yourself to focus anymore. The medicine will help you with that.

“You also have to realize that this means that some actions you do are part of this and are okay. Sometimes, you might want to make weird noises, or rub your arms, bite something, flap your hands, or spin around a lot. These things are perfectly normal for you and are okay to do. If you aren’t comfortable doing those things in public, your father or I can help you think of other ways to get out the energy. Do you understand?’

Remus nodded as all the pieces fell into place. He wasn’t broken but the way he had been handling it had been bad. “Is that why I felt like crying earlier today? Is that why my palms felt like they were on fire?”

The doctor nodded. “Yes. You experienced sensory overload combined with, probably, a meltdown. This should help with that as well.”

Remus nodded and smiled. “Okay.”

A few months later, Remus was back on the couch watching a movie, only this time, he was coloring while he did it. Roman came out of the kitchen with a glass of water in hand. “Dad, we’re getting low on meds. Might need to make another appointment.”

“Got it, Kiddo.” Their dad called back from the dining room.

Roman sat next to Remus. “Whatcha drawing?”

Remus smiled and held up a picture of his latest hyperfixation: Frogs. “Frogs!” He gleefully shouted.

Roman smiled, picking up a piece of paper to draw boats, his own hyperfixation. They sat there with each other as  _Aladdin_ played in the background. They were content, Remus sometimes flapping his hand in pleasure and Roman wiggling when it got to his favorite parts. Patton stopped in the doorway to watch his boys for a minute. He was happy that they were content with their lives and happy that they were healthy.


End file.
